Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Oblong Inflated Spheroid

Disclaimer: the rest of the text in this post has nothing at all to do with the outfit. I tried and tried to write something interesting about it, but finally had to call uncle. It was just a casual Friday outfit, after all. Here are the details in case you're pressed for time or are otherwise disinclined to read my random rant of the day:

Tunic: thrifted
Harness: Audra Jean
Bangles: Amrita Singh (via Gilt)
Jeans: Diesel (via Gilt)
Boots: All Black

Over the weekend I realized why I cannot watch American football. I always figured it had mainly to do with the fact that the players spend most of their time just standing around on the sidelines. That, and the way the players' butts look catastrophically bad in those gross shiny pants with the weird seams on either side of the crack. The uniforms look like a skintight, disco version of a union suit.

 Dude, you've got way worse problems than the concussion you're about to get;
pimps in 1975 looked hotter in their spandex pants than you.

But in fact I don't think it's either of those things at all; my general loathing of football comes down to two annoying little occurrences that just plain bug the crap out of me.

One is how the calls are communicated. Now in hockey, when a call is made the referee gives you three important pieces of information: who is being penalized, for how many minutes, and what the penalty is for (usually in one to three words). That's it; no more, no less. "Number 64, 2 minutes for high sticking." Fine, now let's get on with the game. But in football the explanation might take several minutes, and frankly I don't have the patience to hear the entire rationale behind a convoluted call pulled from some obscure rule, whose source can only be found by poring over a tome that's undoubtedly equivalent in mass to the entire Encyclopedia Britannica series.

 Easier to interpret than the rules of football.

What's worse is that the majority of the referee's monologue typically isn't even the call at all, but a recap of what just happened. Look buddy, I just sat here for 10 minutes of deliberation, watching the players wander around spitting and readjusting their crotches; cut to the chase, would you?

The other thing that really gets under my skin is the commentators, who insist on using the word, "football" in their descriptions of the action, as in, "He ran the football into the end zone." Now I may not even begin to understand the intricacies of the game, but even a blockhead like me knows what kind of a ball they're playing with. Obviously if I'm WATCHING FOOTBALL, then the object they're throwing around (when they can be bothered to get out on the field)  is simply the ball. Is that extra syllable really going to fill up a significant amount of airtime when you've got nothing clever to say? I didn't think so.

Clearly they were never told that silence is golden.

I understand the desire to spice up the language and make the commentary more interesting, but this is not the way. In hockey they might call the puck a biscuit, or simply the puck, but you'll never hear them say, "Marleau shot the hockey puck from the blue line." Why? Because it sounds stupid, that's why. Get some new words, football announcers; even calling it an 'oblong inflated spheroid' would be better than football.

It's sort of like that annoying sound, faint though it may be, that once perceived is impossible to ignore. A distant barking dog or crying baby, perhaps. And now that I've taken note of the lengthy soliloquies of the refs and the irritating overuse of the word "football," my utter disdain for the entire sport has crystallized. I do, however, occasionally enjoy hearing about how a player's head was "on a swivel." Perhaps there's hope for me yet.


C said...

Bwahaha. I'm a-gigglin' at this post. I never thought about the gratuitous addition of "foot" when talking about football, but you're totally right!

Also, I adore this outfit. I always love when you wear this dress/tunic thing. :)

Kimberly said...

At least your complaints about football are unique and funny. Thanks for the smile!

Ann said...

LOL! I've just recently found your blog and have been following it for your unique style, which I quite admire. That said, it is this post that got me to comment because I have the exact same complaint about the use of the word "football" by those commenting on the game and I have never encountered anybody else who understood why it bothered me. Comments like, "He's running the football," seem absolutely ludicrous to me. Thanks for the laugh and understanding!

ReaderRita said...

I completely agree- in what other game do they say the entire proper name of the ball? Baseball? No. Basketball? No. In hockey, do they say "hockey puck"? No. It's as though they are trying to engage in some sly marketing work by 'branding' with each play. It's insulting.
But my biggest problem with American football is the amount of time between plays. It's excruciating. Worse yet, it's boring.
Give me some Aussie Rules Football any day. It's like hockey on grass with no stick, no padding, and a ball instead of a puck. What's not to love? Plus, they could chew up and spit out our overpaid and pampered football players as though they were flower petals.
Plus, as an appreciator of the male form, their outfits are MUCH nicer, if ya know what I mean...

Raquelita said...

I am a huge fan of American football, but I'd rather watch paint dry than watch hockey or baseball - especially regular season - on tv. To each her own.

I'm diggin' the tunic paired with the harness!

Monica said...

Aw man, I can't believe you're dissing on my football (do people still even use the word "dissing" ? -- I'm old).

Anyway, although I do love the sport, the announcers do say some pretty funny stuff. I grew up watching with my dad, and one comment has made it into family lore, being trotted out at every available occasion. A good tackle was made, and the announcer said "You can't underestimate the quality of that stoppage" . We were roaring!

Allison said...

Bahahaha! Thank you for this succinct summary of all that is annoying about football. I'm forwarding this post to my husband.

Anonymous said...

I really, really hate America football. Never ever watch it. It's very violent (probably why most humans like it). Baseball, on the other hand, is beautiful game. If you've ever studied the details of the game you'd find that it is mathematically perfect.

Emily Kennedy said...

Bwaa ha ha ha!!! My personal major criticism of American football is how damned long it is with all the ridiculous breaks and standing around and switching teams. I feel like most American football games are 3.5 to 4 hours long, but should be condensed into one hour of pure action.

But then, that's why I like real football (a.k.a. soccer). Also, I love college basketball, because though there are breaks, generally the pace stays fast and it's all over in just about 2 hours.

This outfit is excellent. I love that you worked it with the harness, totally changing the waistline.

Jackie W. - Kansas said...

Shiny Football pants reminded me of the epi last week of What Not to Wear. The woman who wore cat suits or basically a spandex onesey.

Julia said...

I do looove some football. and I kind of like the way the players' butts look in the spandex...

but that tunic is pretty cool :-)

Gracey the Giant said...

This is a hilarious post! I actually love football (not so much the NFL, but I am a HUGE college football fan), and I even like the less shiny pants on some of the men. But, I do have to agree with you about the announcers. They're sort of ridiculous, with their constant chatter. They're like a group of magpies on a telephone wire. They just talk and talk and talk.

The best though, is when they get bored at a game, and even though the game is still going, it's a blowout, so they start to discuss non-football stuff. Like their families, and what they are doing for the holidays and whatnot. Hilarious!

Sheila said...

I adore football, but you do raise some valid points. Yes, most of the commentators are idiots (I shudder frequently at some of the grammatically challenged things that come out of their mouths, not to mention just the dumb things they say in general to fill the airtime (see above "stoppage")), and yes, the refs take too long to explain the calls.

But, I love the chess-like quality of the set-ups, the plays and the strategy. I've been watching for about 15 years and I love it (I even saw a game at Candlestick Park in your fair city).

To each her own - I loathe baseball. :)

Kay and CJ said...

Oh, Audi. I read you nearly every day and you're an endless source of inspiration to me, but I seldom comment......funny that this football post should trigger my comment reflex. It was all funny, but the caption under the first photo just had me howling. So very true.

And I am a football fan - GO CHIEFS! - who constantly baffles my husband with my running commentary about how awful the uniforms (and helmets, sometimes) are.

Audi said...

Ann: I'm glad there's someone else out there who understands!!

ReaderRita: I hadn't really thought about it as branding before, but you're right. And yes, Aussie football, as well as rugby, are way better versions of the sport.

LHdM: I can see how people can't watch baseball on tv; as much as I love the sport, it is very slow.

Jackie W: HAHAHA! I saw that episode and you're totally right!! Looks like What Not to Wear needs to hit the NFL next.

Cynthia: I'm glad that even a football fan can agree that the uniforms suck! The old school ones were pretty cool though, back in the 50's.

To be completely honest, the vast majority of my frustration with the game comes from the fact that I simply don't understand the rules, nor do I have the patience to learn them. But it's fun to direct my ire at things like the awful uniforms and dumb commentary. It's much easier than criticizing a rule I don't understand. ;-)

lyrebirdgully said...

I have really tried to watch football (all codes)- and indeed most team sports- for the sake of companionship with my sons, but like Cynthia, my fashion bone will keep distracting me with thoughts like "Looks like the England team have switched to LYCRA this year",and "Why are they wearing those bike shorts under their proper shorts?" etc- very important questions which my co-viewers can never answer! I do think that sports teams owe it to their fashion-loving viewers to wear uniforms as flattering as is compatible with decency - one reason why I get irritated watching basketball - it's those oversized, granddaddy, I'm-ashamed-of-my-body outfits!( most sports need to take a tip from
Aussie Rules Football(AFL)
AFL kick
; and, don't get me started on female team uniforms... as you say, Audi, most sports teams are desperately need of a fashion make-over.
However I must admit that watching sport in Australia is made more bearable due to the presence of comics
Roy and HG
, who offer very funny non-official broadcasts of all major sport matches. You turn off the TV audio and turn on the radio instead. Their parody makes watching way more interesting.